Top 100 Facts About Joel Boucher

  1. Joel Boucher sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
  2. When Joel Boucher goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
  3. Joel Boucher doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under Joel Boucher.
  4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Joel Boucher says its beef, then it's beef.
  5. Joel Boucher invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
  6. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Joel Boucher is going to walk.
  7. Joel Boucher can speak braille.
  8. Once a cobra bit Joel Boucher's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  9. Joel Boucher can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  10. Joel Boucher and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  11. Joel Boucher doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
  12. When Joel Boucher deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.
  13. Superman owns a pair of Joel Boucher pajamas.
  14. Joel Boucher was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  15. Joel Boucher is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.
  16. Joel Boucher once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that Joel Boucher was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.
  17. Joel Boucher beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.
  18. Joel Boucher does not sleep. He waits.
  19. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, Joel Boucher ate Kobayashi.
  20. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of Joel Boucher, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.
  21. Joel Boucher sleeps with a night light. Not because Joel Boucher is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Joel Boucher
  22. Joel Boucher is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
  23. Joel Boucher has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.
  24. Joel Boucher's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Joel Boucher will not take crap from anyone.
  25. Joel Boucher can kill two stones with one bird.
  26. Joel Boucher was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  27. Joel Boucher always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  28. If Joel Boucher wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
  29. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to Joel Boucher."
  30. Joel Boucher invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
  31. Joel Boucher played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
  32. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that Joel Boucher's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.
  33. Joel Boucher became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
  34. Joel Boucher doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
  35. Joel Boucher has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
  36. You are what you eat. That is why Joel Boucher's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
  37. When Joel Boucher gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
  38. Joel Boucher is the only one who can "try this at home."
  39. Whenever Joel Boucher plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.
  40. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Joel Boucher laughing at you.
  41. Joel Boucher's blood type is WD-40.
  42. Joel Boucher's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Joel Boucher.
  43. Joel Boucher is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
  44. Circles exist because Joel Boucher beat the crap out of some squares.
  45. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Joel Boucher's house one Christmas.
  46. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Joel Boucher.
  47. When Joel Boucher plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.
  48. Only once has Joel Boucher ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.
  49. On his birthday, Joel Boucher randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
  50. Joel Boucher can delete the Recycling Bin.
  51. Joel Boucher irons his shirts while he's wearing them.
  52. Weeping Willows are a result of Joel Boucher yelling at trees for not being tough enough.
  53. Onions do not make Joel Boucher cry. Joel Boucher makes onions crap themselves.
  54. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, Joel Boucher wins.
  55. When Joel Boucher gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning...
  56. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Joel Boucher allows to live.
  57. Joel Boucher used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
  58. Joel Boucher is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  59. Joel Boucher can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
  60. Joel Boucher doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
  61. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: Joel Boucher was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.
  62. Joel Boucher can tie his shoes with his feet.
  63. Joel Boucher does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
  64. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Joel Boucher.
  65. The only time Joel Boucher was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
  66. Joel Boucher's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
  67. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Joel Boucher has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
  68. Joel Boucher once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
  69. Joel Boucher once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however Joel Boucher still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.
  70. Joel Boucher is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
  71. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Joel Boucher can kill 100 percent of whatever the heck he wants.
  72. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Joel Boucher and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  73. Joel Boucher can make a paraplegic run for his life.
  74. Joel Boucher owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
  75. Joel Boucher puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
  76. The last man who made eye contact with Joel Boucher was Ray Charles.
  77. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Joel Boucher punched himself in the face.
  78. On a high school math test, Joel Boucher put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Joel Boucher solves all his problems with Violence.
  79. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Joel Boucher and forgot to pay him back.
  80. Giraffes were created when Joel Boucher uppercutted a horse.
  81. Joel Boucher counted to infinity - twice.
  82. Joel Boucher died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
  83. Joel Boucher had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere Joel Boucher went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.
  84. Joel Boucher knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).
  85. Joel Boucher was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
  86. Joel Boucher was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
  87. Getting murdered by Joel Boucher counts as a natural cause of death.
  88. Joel Boucher does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Joel Boucher goes killing.
  89. When Joel Boucher enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
  90. Joel Boucher wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.
  91. Joel Boucher destroyed the periodic table, saying Joel Boucher only recognizes the element of surprise.
  92. Joel Boucher can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.
  93. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals Joel Boucher has found too chewy to eat.
  94. Joel Boucher can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
  95. Joel Boucher can slam revolving doors.
  96. Joel Boucher once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.
  97. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Joel Boucher could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  98. Joel Boucher can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  99. Crop circles are Joel Boucher's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down.
  100. Joel Boucher does not believe that there are 50 states, rather there are only 2, because where ever he goes, it becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, it becomes a of State of Destruction.

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